Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Feelin Alright, I'm not feeling too good myself...

OK, Im back and as I promised on the past blog, this one will be better

I just realized so far I haven't shared any information about music with you guys, I've been listening to it all along but not letting you know what music is ruling my moods during this process...and it doesn't make justice to the title of this blog

Well, let's start by this morning when I woke up with "Feelin Alright" in my head. I was dying to hear that song and I didn't have it on me. I woke up late and I had to run so no chance on streaming it via youtube while checking my emails...I only know bits of the lyrics so I couldn't sing it to myself...just humming it.

I couldn't wait to get to work where I would pull the CD from the library and read the lyrics from the CD jacket to try to understand why this one would be the song of the day, the meaning...

Arrived at 8:50am, turned on the computer, checked database, found the album, went to the library, pulled it out, came back to my desk, popped-it-in, advance to song #6, "Mad Dogs & English Man" gimme all you got!

It was a revelation...I was following the lyrics while listening to the song and I could feel identified to them and my present state of mind. If I wanted to express how I was feeling today, I couldn't have described it for those of you not familiar with the song or lyrics, let me share them with you

Thanks Dave Mason for such a wonderful song (definitely you must have gone through for what I am going through right now....and came out alive and well)

FEELIN’ ALRIGHT – Joe Cocker / Dave Mason

Seems I got to have a change of scene
Cause every night I have the strangest dream
Imprisoned by the way, yeah, it could’ve been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I got to leave before I start to scream
But someone's locked the door and took the key

Feelin' alright, (uh oh)
Not feelin' too good myself, (uh oh) 
Feelin' alright, (uh oh)
Not feelin' that good myself, (uh oh)

Boy you sure took me for one big ride
Even now I sit and I wonder why
And when I think of you I stop myself from cryin’
I Just can’t waste my time I must get by
Got to stop belivin' in all your lies
Cause there’s too much to do before I die

Feelin' alright, (uh oh)
Not feelin' too good myself, (uh oh) 
Oh no, Feelin' alright, (uh oh)
Not feelin' that good myself, (uh oh)

(Feelin’ alright) Don't you get too lost in all I say
Yeah, but at the time you know I really felt that way
But that was then and now you know it’s today
I can't escape I guess I'm here to stay
’til someone comes along to take my place
With a different name and a different face

Well dear followers, this is the start of the healing process. Things seem to become more clear every day.

We'll keep in touch but for all of you who are/were worried about me recently, rest assured I am...

"Feelin' Alright"

Monday, January 24, 2011

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

 Oh well....if you have seen this movie you may know where I am coming from and what to expect!

Today I've been thinking about this movie all day long, funny enough this is the only movie I have been able to put up with Jim Carrey and his rubber face and now I am debating if I'd go for the same procedure he wanted to go to erase his ex from his mind.

I knew this day would come, just I didn't expected to come this soon but yesterday a really good friend of mine told me he/she saw my ex outside a movie theatre hugging and kissing another man last tuesday....they seemed to be having so much fun and like they've known each other for a long time was the description of the scene....

"You must have been blind to not see it coming" - you might be saying right now, well yes, a bit...but specially when I saw her the thursday after that "tuesday" to finish signing some papers and she played the innocent card looking worried and pretending to be a bit unstable.

Am I pissed? nahhhh. Dissapointed? nahhh, Sad? nahhh (I swear, no to all the above) The word I am looking for is "Liberated". It brings me a huge peace of mind to know all this time I was honest and truthful. I followed my instincts about not hating or turning bitter towards her and it was the right choice all along. Do I want to become/stay best friends? HELL NO!

Careful, do not think I hate not like that at all! but "friends?" that's a really important word for me, I can count all my friends with all ten fingers of my hand, they are extremely special and they have earned their spot in my heart all these years with trust, honesty, loyalty and support. We have had fights, difficult times, some periods of distance from each other but at the end, we're just a phone call away.

I can't remember any of my friends lying to hard as I can think, nothing like that comes to my mind, but her...well....the reasons for this breakup to have place were that she needed time and space, she was leaving away to work in the army, she wasn't ready to date again and she hated men! It doesn't seem to be what my friend saw last tuesday night...

At the end....good for her! Hope she's happy!

"Are you some kind of Masochist f...?" Not really...I rather know that she's happy and already found someone that maybe keep on thinking the idea that the decision we took was the wrong one and we're both suffering on our end. She already found someone else, that just means IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON!

Now, the second question would be...Am I ready to date? Hmmmmm tough one...

I'd rather say no, I rather enjoy being with myself a little bit be honest, I have never had the chance to be alone and this is my opportunity. The whole idea of this blog was to document the progress of a man who's had his heart broken and the healing process while preparing for a 6-8 month trip where he hopes he'll find himself and some answers....that means traveling alone, so I can consider this training.

I must admit i find the idea of spending too much time with myself a bit terrifying, what if I like it so much that I don't miss being in the company of someone else?

I don't think it will get to that point but one thing for sure....I am enjoying my alone time right now.

I will do erase her pictures from the Facebook, I may even erase the whole Facebook account and little by little from my mind. I don't think I will gat cold feet like Jim Carrey did towards the end of the movie, that's the difference, this is not a movie, it is real life and when someone hurts you in real life you just want him/her erased from your system.

Well readers....this is it for this 4th post, thing will get better for the next one I promise :)

For one door that closes another one opens and this door just got slammed!

The last one to leave, please turn off the light.....

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Domino effect and other things....

Wow, how to start this third post....? Let me try to find the words as I go...

It's unreal how since my last post I have heard from 5 close friends who are in different parts of the world and they have all contacted me to let me know they are either getting divorced or breaking up....being dumped or dumping someone...2 of them even called me THE SAME DAY!!!

Did I jinx them? I'd like to think not, but one think I'm pretty sure about is that watching some couples from the "single point of view" is been completely different than when I was with's almost like I've been given the super hero powers of X-Rays (ok, that's my inner nerd talking out loud)

But I seem to see things I never saw before, like them not being totally happy or couples on the street fighting for the most silly things. Could it have been that I didn't notice because at one moment I was doing the same things and thinking it was normal behaviour?

3 months have changed me a lot, I can't say I am fully recovered (I am a human being after all) but I do see things much clear now and why sometimes as much as it hurts, things must come to an end...

Are all people meant to be together or with someone? I believe yes...but you must put a hell of an expedition search in order to find that special one who will accept you exactly the way you are, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly, interesting or boring. It doesn't matter, but he/she should be willing to accept the fact of who you are and most importantly, we should accept the fact of who they are and love them for who they are!

A friend of mine (or like the Dude Lebowski would say: "My special lady friend, man") told me something it made a mark when I was debating if I had lost 9 years of my life on the wrong person. She said "She wasn't the person for all your life, she was just the person for 9 years of your life. The contract has expired and it's time to move on"

The Dalai Lama couldn't have said it better! Maybe people DO have expiration dates, don't we do the same thing with all the material possessions we have in life once we get bored of them? When we got and Atari we switched for Intellivision, then Colleco, then Nintendo, then Sega Genesis, then X-Box, then Play Station 1, 2, 3....(then my inner geek came out again and started talking out loud)

What if the same rule applied to people and the person we love??

Well, obviously I am not an expert on the subject otherwise I would continue being "happily ever after"
but I do wanna share some of the great advice I got from closer friends, people I know and strangers...if you are reading them and recognize any of as yours, feel very proud because they did help me a lot to see things more clearly and feel as strong as I do now

So, dear friends from Mexico, Spain, Canada and Venezuela (you know who you are) these are for you.

- "She wasn't the one for the rest of your life, she just was the one for 9 years of it"
- "Things happen for a reason, you might not see it now, but soon you will"
- "Bitches be crazy"
- "You once were a lawyer, it is time you start thinking like one now"
- "Divorce is both harder and easier than people make it out to be"
- "Do you want me to jump on a plane and be there next week?"
- "If it hurts, it's totally normal, it is because you're human"
- "Do you want me to kick the shit out of her?"
- "Life's a bitch x 2 sometimes"
- "Take the time to enjoy being with yourself"

and last but no least...."What do you want to do? What would make you happy?"

I have to give special mention to a book I found by fluke. It is called "Storms Can't Hurt the Sky" by Gabriel Cohen. I read it back to back in 4 days while doing long tedious commutes from "Jokeville" to Toronto. It reassured to me that I had taken the right path by choosing not to hate and fill myself with anger. Less baggage to carry with me and it kinda made me put myself in the other person's shoes for certain moments to help understand her point of view and accept the ending results.

More important, the difference between taking some deserved time and distance without keeping in contact and hating or being bitter with the person who might have hurt you. Very important to know.

Friends, you know you can count on me, anytime, anywhere, anyway. You were there for me!

Pay it Forward!

Monday, January 10, 2011

A bit of recap (Part 1) - The Dominican Republic

Greetings from sunny San Pedro de Macoris friends

After crashing at my brother's place (who I am truly thankful) I have decided that to stay in Toronto alone and sobbing during Christmas and New Years would be an emotional suicide and as I expressed to my good friend Carlos "I much rather shovel sand than snow"

I rush once day after work to the travel agency close to my workplace and narrowed the options down to 2. New Orleans or The Dominican Republic, I had about 15 minutes to make up my mind and the sun, merengue and beaches won over the swamps, jazz and alligators. I am glad I made this decision.

In order to get a cheap (and I mean cheap) last minute deal my flight left on the 24 at 10pm arriving in Montreal at 11pm, this means I'd spend Christmas Eve alone in the Montreal airport just with my backpack, my ipod and a book until my flight leaves from Montreal to Punta Cana at 7am. Same deal for the return, it leaves Punta Cana on January 1st at 1:15 and goes to Montreal, then 1 hour transfer and Toronto at 7:45. I know people they hate to do transfers and stops and love to flight direct but in my case, my philosophy is why give any extra money to the airline company that you can use at your destination, so if stopping makes me save $500 so be it!

I arrange with my friend Carlos (who was flying on the 26 from Montreal) to meet there. His family was so kind to borrow a car and pick me up like royalty at the airport after a 2.5 hour drive from their town in San Pedro. Boy were they glad to see me. The jokes started right there when they forgot my name and they started yelling at me "Salvador, Salvador" instead of Sebastian...

Carlo's sister Jennie started driving, she was the only one from the whole greeting committee of 7 who came to pick me up and she didn't own a car so her driving skills were nearly as good as her intentions, so in the first "pee stop" I decided to ask politely if she was tired and she wanted me to take over the wheel for a while, she mentioned that I didn't know the roads which is true but at the same time I was so sure I could do a better job and she agreed. Well, the adventure started there. Nothing like driving in an unknown place to make you feel good, I was channeling my hero Charlie Boorman on one of the episodes of By Any Means while driving a 4x4 on the worst dirt roads I've been in my life.

I wish I have had a video camera to document a bit the driving. We stopped along the way to buy sweets and cheese and we took the wrong turn, which made a 2.5 hour drive turn into a 5 hour drive. But we never ran out of subjects to talk and laugh and we ended arriving at sunset.

The next day my friend Carlos arrived and what came after that was 8 days of fun and beaches I was so much in need to forget a bit what I was going through with the separation.

Things we did in San Pedro in a nutshell

- Went 2 days to a beach called Juan Dolio (where I got sunburnt like a Lobster)
- Went to a baseball game to see the local team kicked ass (9-2) Go Estrellas!
- Ate one of the best Paellas in a long long time
- Drink rhum and beer on the streets of San Pedro (which is not forbidden like in Canada)
- Dance Merengue and Perico Ripiao and confirming the fact that I wasn't made to dace Reggaeton
- Have an amazing week with a family who treated me like their own by spoiling me and making sure I was having a great time 24/7. It's so nice to travel to a new place and make new friends so fast.

I must add that I had to make use of my cooking skills and fulfill some request of Arepas (the typical Venezuelan dish) which became really popular among the locals who kept on inviting new people everyday to the house to try them and kept me in the kitchen long enough to at least feed 25 people.

It was a truly pleasure to cook for such nice people and to contribute to the New Year's feast with some gourmet Shrimp Empanadas with a Guasacaca dip that it would have made chef Gordon Ramsay suck his fingers..Bloody Hell mate!

The day of my return I learned something new (taught by my friend Carlos) I am normally used to sad goodbyes where everyone comes to hug you and kiss you, this time we woke up really early and although most of the people were awake, no one left the room. The explanation behind it, no one wanted to be sad by seeing me leave. They wanted to keep in their minds a last memory of dancing, eating, joking and not crying, hugging and waving goodbye to someone they dont know when they will see again. Totally understandable. Made me think that I wish I have had that knowledge when my relationship was ending so we could leave on a high note with good memories instead of bitterness and sadness. Lesson learned for the future.

Special Thanks to: Jennie, Mayra, Illa, Jesmauri, Rachel, Naomi, Tellerias, Cesarina and whoever name I am forgetting for a really special week that I'd never forget and it was the best formula to start the new year 2011 with the right foot and high hopes!!

And here we go....

OK, my name is Sebastian and I have decided finally to start a blog. The reason?? a Broken Heart!

After almost 9 years of marriage we're getting separated and as much as it is a bit (or a lot) of a shocker I have decided to document the healing process by writing on this blog all the day by day feelings and experiences I will encounter in the future..

I will have to recap a little bit since I should have had started back in October 2010, but whoever has gone through a breakup will sympathize with me by understanding that at the very beginning, writing a blog is not on the priority list of things to do...

The title of this blog? well, it is made from the two things I love the most in this life and the ones I believe will help me to overcome this rough path I am going through at the moment

I have been a musician since the age of 14 (almost 20 years now) were I have played in diverse bands and projects of all kinds

Ever since I left my hometown Venezuela, I have developed an itch for travelling and exploring new places, I have had the opportunity of visiting some places in the comfort of planes and hotels but after watching TV shows like: Long Way Round, Long Way Down and By Any Means I've been desiring to grab the backpack and take off to wander new places and new people, new cultures, new food and collect experiences from all over the world

So, thank you very much for reading and supporting this dude on his romantic journey of self discovery and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I should enjoy writing it.